The internet is flooded with thousands of exercise programmes for many different life styles. You can find regimes for busy mothers, for business people with little time to fit in a workout, and for those just looking to bulk up muscle or lose weight quickly. And all these are extremely helpful if followed correctly. But how about those people out there who just love to murder? Serial killers need to stay fit too, if only there was a programme out there to suit their needs. Well, look no further.
There’s a lot of work that goes in to becoming a successful killer. You need plenty of victims, a method of killing, ways to dispose of the bodies and, of course, you need to achieve all of this without getting caught.
I have developed ten top tips to increase fitness levels whilst still making time for that passion that any good serial killer has. Like the area manager of that multi-national who spends all their time hiring, firing, and filling in paperwork, a killer’s lifestyle is usually too busy to make time to indulge in getting and then staying fit. Until now.
one. Set your goals. You need to start by asking yourself what you actually want to achieve and why. You may be concentrating on simply having enough stamina to run away from the police or to able to chase down a fit potential victim. Or maybe you hope to achieve that beach body to use it to attract a certain type of victim. Once you know what you’re doing all this for, the rest just seems to fall into place.
two. Eat properly. Nearly all fitness regimes talk about the need for eating the right foods to allow your body the best possible chance of getting it where you want it to be. A balanced diet is imperative so make sure you get plenty of the correct food groups. Protein, carbohydrates, fat, and plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables- this is all common sense and if you are reading this or any other fitness guide I’m sure you are already aware of the importance of this point. But most serial killers will have an abundance of fresh (or maybe not-so-fresh) protein and fat already stored at home. Human meat is high in all the nutrients you require but make sure it is cooked properly. Lean meat is preferable so just make sure you’re not dining too often on those fatties you killed.
three. Make time for your workouts. This can be difficult, especially as you can never really plan how long a kill will take. I’ve had problems with people dying too slowly and this can put you behind for the rest of the day. There’s also the possibility that some bodies will be more difficult to dismember. However, some of these complications in themselves can be quite physically demanding, so you may be losing the calories you’d burn off in your next workout while you’re sweating with that bone saw anyway.
four. Build muscle. Heavy weights with low reps and plenty of rest allows muscle growth. Making yourself exhausted during your session will reap dividends in the end. A recently deceased body that is in the early stages of rigor mortis can be a perfect substitute for a bar bell. I can’t stress enough how it needs to be fresh, though. The worst thing to happen would be to be lying on your back bench pressing a corpse, only for your hands to disappear into the wet and soggy rotting flesh as you push up. The decomposition juices tend to come flowing out after a few days. The last thing you want is to be covered with glistening post mortem gunge while you’re trying to exercise.
five. Do cardio work. Running is as good as any really, but running while carrying a weight is even better so why not fill a backpack with bones? A jog around the block may be good to clear your head, but it can get pretty boring. Instead, try adopting it into your regular disposal routine. I find running up and down my cellar steps a great way of keeping the heart rate up. I even cut the bodies into smaller pieces but still only carry one piece at a time. This method has increased the amount of journeys up and down the stairs to rid myself of the latest corpse. If you’re knackered by the end of it, you’re doing it right.
six. Keep hydrated. This point is quite obvious. If you’re not keeping yourself doused up with fluids your body will soon tell you. Now blood is very high in water and can also rid any hunger pains you may be experiencing from your workout. But you will need to make sure that the blood is fresh enough so that you don’t have to chew on any coagulated bits. Even though I’m cannibal to the core, even I recommend good, old-fashioned water for this step.
seven. Don’t be a pussy. Keep pushing yourself to achieve the goals you set out at the beginning. If you can’t motivate yourself then you will be the only one who suffers. So stop whining on about how your legs hurt or you’ve got a stitch, no one wants to hear a killer complaining. It won’t be as scary for your potential victims to hear you moaning. So stop it!
eight. Replenish your muscles. After a particularly rigorous routine the use of ice is a great way to help your muscles heal themselves. Ice baths are particularly helpful although you may find it very time consuming to prepare one for yourself. I recommend sitting in the chest freezer, a bit like that scene in The Snowman when he’s trying to cool down after riding that motorbike. If you’re anything like me, though, you’ll first need to clear out the various limbs and heads that you’ve already got stored in there. Just remember to replace them when you’re finished so that they don’t start to thaw.
nine. Take photographs. I’ve heard it said that pictorial evidence is a great way of assessing how well your routine is working. Seeing ourselves every day we don’t notice differences that accumulate over a few weeks. Other guides recommend that you take your photos in the same clothes in the same pose in the same lighting, which is all great. But a better method is to pose with a decapitated head. This way you get to bask in the glory of your art, but the decomposition can be a great marker on how quickly you are achieving your goals. Every week the killer will be looking more trim while the severed head becomes more rotten and putrefied. It’s a great feeling.
ten. Exercise with a friend. Having someone else there to motivate you, and for you to motivate them, is a great way of sticking to your regime and not taking the easy route of giving up. Of course, serial killers don’t tend to have many friends, at least not after they start their deadly hobby, so it may be a struggle to find a like-minded exerciser. I am willing to offer my services but please, don’t ask me in the comments section, I don’t want to arouse too much suspicion.
So there you have it, follow these simple steps and not only will you still manage to continue with your murderous impulses, you’ll also look and feel great.
Go get em, Killer!
Photo via Visual hunt
Photo credit: Amos_Hsieh via Visualhunt.com / CC BY-NC-SA
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MORGAN K TANNER, Writer of Horror 
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