Cannibal Barbecue

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The evenings are light, the weather is hot, so what better time to sit out on your terrace with a glass of chilled Chardonnay and savour the warm summer nights? The wine is refreshing and the scenery calm, perfectly complimenting the muffled screams from that missing cheerleader team that is tied up in the basement.

Around this time of year the internet is bursting with recipes for barbecues, each with a different modern twist on culinary classics.

I will share some of my ideas for, if you will, a summer macabre-ecue. Each recipe has been tried and tested, always receiving enthusiastic murmurs of delight and, of course, empty plates.

So here we go.

Honey mustard glazed fingers. French mustard, honey, garlic, balsamic vinegar, salt, brown sugar. The quantities are open to debate but it doesn’t matter too much, though because it’s the quality of the meat that really brings this dish together. There’s the option to remove the fingernails before cooking, or leave them on for your guests to gently prise out before eating; always a talking point around the table. And the nails hold on to the flavour very well so you can suck on them long after the meal and even pick your teeth clean with them. The disadvantage with this dish is that the plates often look messy afterwards with the bones, nails, and sticky sauce residue.

Tongue. Tasty. Preferable to remove from the victim in front of your guests, much like selecting a lobster from the tank. Depending on the apparent health of the donor, the tongue may need to be well seasoned if they are missing taste buds- these, ironically, carry all the flavour. I recommend cayenne pepper, garlic, and some hot smoked paprika.

Human liver pate. Fry with bacon, brandy, and garlic. Blend into a fine paste using the blender that you normally torture people with. I find that, like an old wok that gathers remnants of previous meals over the years, these hints of previous victims add so much more to the flavour. Again, the health of the subject needs to be considered, you don’t want that alcoholic crack addict that you murdered ‘for shits and giggles’ to be considered for this dish. Go for one of the cheerleaders.

Heart and lung kebabs. Grilled peppers and red onions work wonders with this pairing, just make sure the organs are cut to equal size along with the peppers and the onions to really wow your guests with your presentation skills. A small pinch of salt is all that’s required as these cuts carry a marvellous flavour that is best enjoyed in its purest form. Just make sure you don’t overcook the lung pieces, too much heat and the spongy consistency turns dry and cracks, a real turn off.

Buffalo feet. Sounds crazy I know, and holding a whole foot to gnaw on may be a little uncivilised so I recommend this one only when dining with very close friends and family. This is not one for trying to impress a potential mate. There are many small muscles in the sole of the foot and when cooked right, these can be very satisfying to tear from the bones with your teeth. Call me lazy, but I find supermarket-bought hot sauces work just as well as making your own from scratch. If you want the recipe for your own sauce just look on the internet- there’s loads of them.

Butt steaks. Exactly what it sounds like. The gluteus maximus muscle is the strongest and largest in the body, so cooking this slowly will give you that perfect falling-apart texture that will have your guests begging for more. If they can get around the taboo of eating arse, that is. Salt, pepper, a dash of soy sauce, and balsamic vinegar make a perfect marinade.

Lemon brains. It is imperative that these are removed from the skull whole, or as good as you can manage. Cut them into long strips, drizzle with fresh lemon juice immediately before cooking, and wrap in foil. But don’t worry, enjoying this dish does not make you a zombie, just perhaps a zombie sympathiser.

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Cooking almost any meat on the bbq produces delightful smoky flavours, supposing you aren’t using gas, of course. And there is so much meat on a human body that all of it can be prepared and enjoyed in some way or other. Human stock is so easy to make and is not only delicious, it can be a great way of removing flesh from bones. This always adds a new dynamic to marinades, but also aids in the ridding of the corpses. Disposing of bones is much easier than burying whole or partly dismembered bodies. Another top tip there!

Well I hope I have given you a few ideas on really freshening up your summer dinner parties. I’m sure your guests will enjoy these delights as much as mine do, and if they don’t? I’m sure they will taste great when they become the next party’s main event.

If you have any other ideas or tips for cannibalism, be sure to let me know.

Enjoy the summer.

Photo credit: CJS*64 “Man with a camera” via Visualhunt.com / CC BY-ND

Photo credit: insidethemagic via Visual hunt / CC BY-NC-ND

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